"Marga hears too much!" - Ex – musician with far too good ears

Hyperacusis, hypersensitivity to noise, is less well known than tinnitus, but there are many people who suffer more or less severely from it.
In this section “Marga hears too much” Marga van Hintum will blog about her experiences with Hyperacusis regularly.

In my working life I have been making music for more than 30 years. As a musician, with good ears. As a teacher and as a performer. As a performing singer, alone, with a pianist or with an accompanying combo. In addition, as a teaching musician I have taught people from 8 to 80. And literally. My oldest student had already passed the age of 80, when he finally had to stop his singing lessons.

Debut in the train
Music played a major role in my life at an early age. As a toddler I made my debut on the train. My mother and I went on a long journey. The train cabin consisted of coupé elements with luggage racks above the benches. This allowed you to sit freely, with no view of your front or rear neighbours. A bored child is going to do something. In my case: singing. Of course. How could it be otherwise …

All the children’s songs in my repertoire will have been reviewed. Familiar songs probably. So well known, that a fellow traveller, a big man with a very heavy voice, suddenly started to sing with me somewhere behind me. It gave me a scare!

Music continued to play an important role; for a long time it was a very important hobby. After training as a primary school teacher, I went into music professionally. To the conservatory. Classical singing. I studied jazz later on. And so I became a musician, with those good ears.

I breathed music
Music was not only a profession, it was a very large part of my being. I got up with it and went to bed with it. I ate and drank music. I was music. I breathed music!

I speak in the past tense. Because then suddenly, then there was hyperacusis* in my life. And tinnitus. The latter I did not find so serious. I already knew the phenomenon of tinnitus. As a singer I knew all about it from my profession. But hyperacusis, that was new to me. New, and above all extremely frightening. How did it come about? What could I do? Did it go away? Would it have consequences for my life as a musician? And what should I do? Could I still perform? Could I still teach? Could I still sing myself?

The tinnitus was clearly less important than the hyperacusis. I could deal with that, if it would be a keeper. The tinnitus indeed remained. The hyperacusis remained too.
I had to stop singing and stop teaching. I became a former musician, with far too good ears. I couldn’t listen to my own voice anymore. Talking loudly already hurt my head. My for that time well articulated ” s ” I had to speak differently, softer, weaker. Since then I have been lisping a bit.

And I couldn’t listen to music anymore. Almost all the voices and a lot of instruments now sounded way too sharp. They pierced my head like daggers. Besides that, I couldn’t concentrate well for a long time. Everything I did took much more time and effort than before.

No more music
When you suddenly can’t make any more music, it is a huge blow. It was a direct attack on my soul, on my very being. First I mourned for a while. I have been very sad. And angry, furious! Why did that happen to me? Why me of all people, the musician? If in a “normal” person his or her life would already be upside down; in my case and in my opinion it was even worse! No more music, no more singing. No more being able to work in music. No more listening to music. Only very quietly. But that was nothing. Because listening to music at volume 3 (out of 30) is really not an option. You miss three quarters. And a lot of voices and instruments still sound too shrill and painful …

Then I had to accept it. Getting used to a different interpretation of my life. Getting used to a life without work, without a stage. To get used to all kinds of adjustments that were necessary. Needed, to keep life liveable. Get used to a more limited social life, a smaller circle. To get used to a life that mainly took place at home. With a quiet hobby instead of a noisy profession.

And how about now?
It took some time to get used to it. After 4 years, I found my way around. Sometimes it is still difficult. A small trigger can result in an enormous crying fit. But I’m going on, I’ll have to, right?

I write once in a while. Short pieces. For this medium. And for myself. In the old days, as a student, I thought writing essays was a real crime! I thought it was terrible. I couldn’t do much about it. There were plenty of ideas, but then it was put on paper so badly! That got better with several theses, fortunately. And now I really like to write. It takes a long time. I read and re-read. But I like to do it. A person can change…

And now I spend my days with a lot of noise. First of all, the sound of the tinnitus in my ears, which is always there. Next to that the sound of everything around me, which is unavoidable. And that I shouldn’t avoid either. That sometimes comes at me overwhelmingly loud and painful. And sound from radio, TV and apps on my mp3, as background noise. Because living in silence, that’s not good. Especially not for a hyperacusist !

* Hyperacusis, literally “I hear too much”, is a condition where you are hypersensitive to ordinary everyday sounds. Everything sounds too loud. “The volume knob of ambient sounds stands for someone with hyperacusis permanently at too high a setting” (source: foundation Hoormij)
Hyperacusis occurs in many forms. For me, especially higher frequencies are very annoying and hurt my head. I also have tinnitus. Concentration is more difficult and focusing on a sound source is more difficult.